Carol Stovold Quality Kids qualitykidz.co.nz

Every mother knows the feeling; as she struggles to complete the washing, dinner and cleaning, while a toddler is clamouring for attention. The cries quickly become tantrums, the model car being rolled quietly on the carpet turns into a missile.

So begins the war of attrition, with mother eventually provoked into screaming her disapproval. The child feels chastened, bewildered or perhaps victorious at the attention. Meanwhile, mother feels wretched.

Any parent can change this familiar pattern of hostility. The key is simple: ignore all antisocial behaviour that isn't dangerous, praise your child as much as possible for both good behaviour and for just being themselves and reserve punishment for really serious transgressions.

The secret lies in approval and attention. For children to feel secure and confident, they need parents to show love in a way they understand. It's no good being sparing with approval – for a child, attention is a definitive sign of love. They need to hear it and see it on your face.

It all boils down to the attention rule: ignore 99 per cent of ‘naughties', praise everything you possibly can and punish only the behaviour that puts your child or others in danger. This way of parenting is called child-centred behaviour. The more usual shrieks along the lines of 'Stop doing that” are called child-directive because they require the child to do something actively.

So how does one go about ignoring such irritations as banging the table, throwing toys and screaming in the supermarket?

It is difficult, but act as if you are deaf; remain silent except periodically to restate phrases such as 'when you stop kicking the table, I will take notice of you again”. Break off eye contact and maintain a neutral expression, even if you are boiling with anger. For a child under eight, one minute of ignoring should do the trick.

It is crucial to praise as soon as the child stops being naughty, however, be prepared for the 'extinction burst” – in the first few days of trying this out, a child may well behave even more atrociously than normal. While this would send most parents into despair, the extinction burst should last no longer than a week. And never be tempted to smack.

Next week: The do's and don'ts that can keep those toddler tantrums under control