Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Forget Global Warming, war, famine and disease. Be assured that our government is moving swiftly and decisively on the matters that really count.

In a pre-emptive strike against terror in our homes, it has declared a new ban on the sale of unsafe hot water bottles.

You think our nation is a dangerous place with paroled killers on the loose, boy racers hurtling out of control on every street corner and power companies cutting supply to life support machines? You ain't seen nothin' yet, as my Gran often said, compared to the threat of spontaneous combustion, feet first, from a Rogue Hot Water Bottle.

These things stalk their victim insidiously, lurking in the depths of your cosy bed; the one place you feel safe and secure. They strike when you are most vulnerable – prone, semi-conscious and wearing paisley flannelette.

Stepping in to save us is New Zealand's Most Prominent Hot Water Bottle Safety Official: Stephen O'Brien, Acting Manager, Measurement and Product Safety Service, Ministry of Consumer Affairs. We have re-titled him: Hottie Man. (We think his mum will still call him Stephen, however.)

Hottie Man says the ban will ensure consumers are protected from unsafe rubber hot water bottles as well as PVC ones.

The ban on unsafe rubber hot water bottles was first put in place in November 2004 after a number of incidents were reported to the Ministry, where hot water bottles had perished or leaked and in some cases causing serious burns.

'Since the ban there have been no complaints about hot water bottles. This shows the ban is working,” says Hottie Man. However, here at The Sun, we suspect the Rogue Hot Water Bottles are just getting more evil… now there are no survivors. They've gone from simply wetting your bedsocks; to going bankrupt owing you thousands then appearing on Dancing with the Stars; to then scalding and maiming; to now instantly poaching their victims alive.

Hottie Man says that to make sure hot water bottles are safe, consumers are encouraged to check the safety standard on their hot water bottles. If they are unsure whether it is genuine, they should either dispose of the hot water bottle or contact the free phone: 0508 627 774.

The Ministry reminds consumers they need to take care filling and using hot water bottles. They should not use boiling water when filling, and cover the bottle, such as wrapping in a towel. And always put the milk in first. No, hang on, that's only when you're making tea.

Taking chances

Here at the Sun, we don't think you should take any chances. Sure, wrap the thing in a towel. But then take it out into the yard and beat it with a large stick. Even better, if you've got a chainsaw, use that. This technique will also be much more graphic for the series of horror movies that are sure to be spawned.

'Attack of the Killer Hot Water Bottles.”

The sequel, 'Revenge of the Powertool-Wielding Scalded Grannies.”

Kevin Costner's post apocalypse sci-fi, 'Hot Water World.”

The chick flick sequel: 'The Hot Water Bottles of Madison County.”

The environmental docu-drama with failed politician and a lot of graphs: 'An Inconvenient Wet Feeling Between the Toes.”

The low-budget porno, 'Hot Rubber, Wet Spots.”

And of course, the gay version,
'Brokebladder Mountain.”

Anyway, once you have rid yourself of the Rogue Hot Water Bottle, go back to bed with an extra pair of socks or a large Labrador on your feet. Both are more friendly to the environment and will help prevent global warming. Although that may depend on the Labrador's diet.

Those of you, who still persist in running the gauntlet and using potentially dangerous hot water bottles, be warned:

1. Use a crocheted hot water bottle cover with your initials on it. That way, individual hot water bottles can be identified on security cameras if they go feral.

2. Put the hot water bottle inside a bag of party ice before placing in bed. This will cause frostbite, but at least the ice will cancel out the burning effect of any spilled hot water.

3. Turn up the television when a Vince Martin advert comes on, a subtle reminder to the hot water bottle that's it's only a meltdown away from being recycled as a retread.

4. Don't let your hot water bottle associate with the teapot or the thermos flask. We don't need them finding strength in numbers.

5. Beware of Nigerian hot water bottles wanting you to help launder vast sums of cash and whatever you do, don't ever tell the hot water bottle your pin number.