Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

We have some questions this week. And a scenario or two (which sound like small French cars, but in fact are more reliable). Then we have some answers. Some of them will astound you with their stupidity.

Scenario:
You live in a rental house. The deck, one storey above the ground, seems to be coming away from the house wall. You are aware enough of the problem to have supposedly told the property managers several times, but nothing seems to be done about. What do you do?
Answer:
Host a 21st party and let as many people as possible stand on the deck till it collapses, landing four of you in hospital.

Scenario:
You are the over-the-hill first five-eighth for England. Your kicking game has gone to the dogs and your team is outclassed on all fronts, causing you to bomb out of the rugby world cup. How do you respond?
Answer:
Blame your drunken, womanising teammates and the match ball.

Scenario:
You're a former MP who campaigned for 'three strikes and you're out” then get convicted for stealing the identity of a dead child to obtain a passport, mislead the court about a previous conviction for assault, have been kicked out of the party and your lawyer's practising certificate suspended.
How much worse could you make it?
Answer:
You get pulled over and charged with drink driving – and deny it.

Scenario:
You're the mayor of a coastal city with a 47,000 tonne cargo ship stuck on an offshore reef, leaking heavy fuel oil onto the beaches and spilling enough containers into the ocean to build Christchurch several more pop-up shopping centres. Thousands of seabirds are killed and oiled. The beaches are closed while thousands of volunteers sieve the sand. It takes a month for the rest of the oil to be removed and many more months, possibly years, before all the mess is cleaned up. How do you respond?
Answer:
You slam the media for publishing 'negative” news, but don't specify which, therefore implicating all; claim that the beaches are safe despite several hundred tonnes still floating around out there; and insist it's business as usual – in an outburst reminiscent of Amity Island's mayor in the movie ‘Jaws'.
The real answer:
Don't spend local, public money on advertising with offshore owned media organisations you don't trust; ones that habitually sensationalise stories in desperation to boost dwindling newspaper sales. Stop complaining and vote with your chequebook!

Scenario:
You are a habitual protester and general troublemaker with no job and want to freeload somewhere while extracting a benefit from those who do work. You don't really have anything to protest about, since there are no racist tours anymore and no hikoi at the moment and you don't really know what you are trying to achieve, apart from fill in some time till the next opportunity to be a grubby little nuisance. What do you do? Does anyone care?
Answer:
Occupy. And no.

Scenario:
You are the ‘star' of a bogan-themed, Westie television series. You are most famous for your portrayal of a mother of a dysfunctional law-breaking, drug-addled family; your character a binge-drinking old slapper. What does this qualify you for?
Answer:
Trying to tell the government how to run the country.