Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

I know you are all very tired of hearing about the secretly-recorded tea tapes. However, we feel compelled to jump on the bandwagon, or in this case, the teawagon. Only because we've been hounded by readers wanting to know the RR take on the whole episode.

And really, you knew deep down that this special RR edition of the Tea Tapes was coming, didn't you? It was really just a matter of time.

But you know how it is; these things take time to draw.

So, put the jug on and sit down with a nice cuppa to read the rest of this column; in the comfort of your favourite chair with the wafting aroma of India's finest blend.

The whole country has been choking on this for a month now.
It's been repeating on the electoral digestive system like an insufficiently dunked gingernut.

The tea saga will go down in history as one of those iconic moments. In decades to come, people will remember where they were when they first heard about the secret teapot tapes.

So will some of the text of the conversation. Mr Banks will relate this, having ousted Mr ‘Gone by Lunchtime' Brash from the top of the party.

Defining phrases

Just as the moon landings were defined by those famous words, 'One famous step…” and rock'n'roll will be remembered for some particularly silly lyrics by Barry Mann; so too, the teapot tape conversations will become the defining phrases of the 2012 general election.

A whole range of new pick-up lines will evolve, as young men approach groups of young women at cafes and say: 'Excuse me, but I may have left my secret microphone recording on your table.”

People will even name their children after this scandal. The Rowfone family of Bellevue are pleased to announce the safe arrival of Mike.
Particularly successful will be the yet-to-be-born, infamous rapper, T-Pot.

But we have some breaking news. Our secret cameras, hidden at the cafe, recorded this image of the historic meeting and you are seeing it now revealed for the first time, exclusive to RR:

We imagine there has been world outrage about this secret taping and the arguments over whether it should be made public.

Promoters of the Boston Tea Party are consulting with the lawyers over the possible breach of copyright by the Epsom Tea Party.

Speaking from a press conference announcing the comeback of The A Team, Mr T is said to be furious that he's been upstaged.

Dilmah are bringing out a special edition blend to celebrate the meeting of two politicians – called the Double Dils.

Meanwhile Choysa, not to be outdone, have dispensed with the string on the teabag and instead put the bag on a rod, which doubles as a stirrer. They've named it in honour of the politicians and called it 'the Dipsticks.”

Locally, there's been plenty of reaction.

Hone Harawira is not happy that John K prefers his white and sweet. He wants to know what is wrong with strong and black.

John Banks feels that Auckland's new slogan should be changed from ‘Auckland A' to ‘Auckland T' and that the symbol will be an easier shape to make with your hands.

Rodney Hide is still miffed that he did not feature in the centre of the tea event, since he's clearly the ‘short and stout' one and is well known for his spout.

More revealed
Coming up next week, exclusively to RR, Winston Peters reveals all about the secret recordings. Or not.

He also tells who Shot the Sheriff, JR, JFK and some other initials. The colonel's secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices will be revealed and the Secret Squirrel finally has his cover blown. The whereabouts of the crew of the Mary Celeste will seem insignificant compared to signed confessions from Elvis and Amelia Earhart over their faked deaths.

Also, Winston will reveal How the Grinch Stole Christmas; who put the hungry enzymes in Drive; who wants to be a millionaire; and who put the ‘bomp' in the ‘bomp, bah bomp, bah bomp.'

Parting thought

A new word, via astute reader Tony F:
Ineptocracy: [in-ep-toc'-ra-cy] A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing; and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.