My mates and I screamed hysterically when we saw Justin Bieber arrive in town this week – although probably not for the same reasons as 500 pubescent idiot girlie fans did.
It was more a scream of horror that this little twerp could be allowed to inflict himself upon the general public.

Similar cries of disbelief emanated from the Thinking Public when Susan Boyle came on TV; Rodney Hide started dancing; and Abba was ressurrected.
It's not like Bieber has any talent, or meaningful opinions on world peace, climate change, or the plight of the starving masses. (Unlike those fine intelligent performers and doyens of world politics, the Dixie Chicks.)
It does raise serious concerns for the female race when we see the Bieber lynch mob mentality. The feminist movement must be also worried, how those up and coming bimbos will ever burn their bras or even grow up to be logical thinking humans capable of the necessities… voting, driving or using a TV remote.
…Next thing, they'll expect us to believe they're old enough to buy drinks.

Are we happy yet?
Breaking news: a survey this week has found nine out of 10 Bay of Plenty people are happy with their lives. It was a telephone survey.
Which is fantastic news for 90 per cent of you.
What it doesn't tell us, however, is how those people without telephones are feeling.
Not very happy, I suspect.
If they don't have a telephone, we have no way of knowing whether they are happy, sad or sort of middling.
In fact, if you don't have a telephone, the chances are you are desperately unhappy. Or I guess, a very happy hermit. Or with XT.
Also, how do we know that the people who answered the phone are a representative group? If you are at home in the Bay of Plenty, not happy, and the phone rings, you're hardly going to bounce up and gleefully answer the silly questions of a telephone surveyor, are you?
In fact, you're more likely to be in a foul mood and slam the phone down after telling the phone surveyor their ancestry.
Especially if they ask you if you are happy, when clearly you are not. This, as we know, is the worst thing to ask someone who is unhappy and has the effect of making them even less happier.
Even worse if the canvasser is from Mumbai or the Phillipines – what are their chances of winning any minutes of your miserable life for their suckful survey? No way, you will tell them to bugger off and slide further into your well-deserved sad sack of self pity.
Unlike the other (annoyingly perky) happy person in the house, who will have (irritatingly) and cheerfully raced to the phone and been delighted to have told the surveyor that their life is a bunch of fluffy ducks.
So the survey results clearly need to be adjusted to account for those amongst us who are grumpy and don't answer the phone. Which by RR calculations just made up now, is 88.8 per cent of you.
The good news is that 96 per cent of you feel safe in your homes.
Unfortunately, half are scared in the city after dark. That is presumably because they've heard Bieber is in town.
Half the respondents said they understood how their local council made decisions, which is heartwarming, since that matches the level of understanding of the councillors.
Nine out of 10 residents had no issues with accessibility to emergency health care. We can conclude from this, that the other one out of 10 are the same ones unhappy – probably because they're dying in the dangerous streets with no telephone.
Those of you unhappy, don't despair. RR is about to launch its own survey to redress the balance – to measure the level of grumpiness. Expect a call from me very soon.
As soon as I get a phone.