Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Interesting that the Nasa had to send a probe through space for 10 years to get to Pluto. Typical Americans, make a drama out of everything. I found Pluto in my lunch hour. Took a walk up Devonport Road on Tuesday and there it was. They do an excellent seafood chowder.

This week we continue the science theme. The grandchildren stayed over in the school holidays. Grannie and I wanted to make sure their education was furthered, providing wholesome and mind-stimulating conversation; plus some informative science television.
I had prepared some recorded science and history documentaries, including dolphins, other wild animals and even a smattering of current affairs shows. Unfortunately they caught a glimpse of Patrick Gower and stated quite emphatically that they didn't want to see any horror movies. So we let them choose their own programme.

Always keen to support their choices in learning, we watched a fascinating documentary about turtles. Forget those nonsense fictional yarns and impossible children's movies, we always prefer factual presentations that enlighten on the natural world around us.

These were no ordinary turtles. They were the subject of a scientific experiment, in which the turtles were seeded with some human DNA and therefore exhibited some super humanoid traits.

I am surprised Sir David Attenborough has not produced an episode on these hard case animals.

The documentary explored how the mutant turtles, surviving out of their natural habitat in the centre of a major US city, reacted to a series of challenges, such as combatting evil and evolving to forage alternative food sources during times of grazing shortages. This included adapting to a diet of pizza, readily available in the metropolis of New York.

In their teenage years, the group of turtles exhibited surprising human-like behaviour and also developed a type of martial arts defence system, often using weapons adapted from their surroundings.

The turtles formed an intense symbiotic relationship with a rat. As part of the
experiments they were pitted in a duel against a robot.

The turtles generally won and the reporter in the documentary, Megan Fox, was very happy.

So was grandpa, who Googled Megan Fox immediately. For scientific purposes, of course.

Uh oh, Dorothy
Next time the grandchildren visit, we're going to watch the true life investigation that was my daughter's favourite documentary when she was a young girl.

It's the story of a girl in Kansas whose house was uplifted by a tornado. Similar to winds that ripped through the Western Bay of Plenty last week.

Except Dorothy's house landed on an unsuspecting pensioner and killed her. This was no ordinary old lady with a Gold Card who rode the Bay Hopper and voted for Winston, however.

This was a senior citizen of dubious morals and a criminal record; despised by the entire community. Rather than Dorothy being charged with ‘womanslaughter' or reckless use of a house, this community celebrated the departure of the old woman and even wrote a song and dance about it.

This led Dorothy to become involved in counselling displaced animals and volunteer work with the less fortunate, including those seeking transplant surgery such as a disfigured amputee woodcutter with tin prosthetics.

Chinese Whispers
The Chinese may or may not be responsible for fuelling property speculation, but one thing needs to made clear in this farcical debate: Assessing the number of Chinese buyers, based on whether their names look Chinese, sounds like a joke from Monty Python or a line out of a Cheech & Chong movie. Which itself could be considered Chinese, if you were to apply the same principles. Cheech Marin should apply for a grant for his next movie, from ‘China on Air'.

Here at RR we aren't interested in whether the Chinese appetite for real estate is driving the boom. It's the whacko method of counting them that has caused the uproar.

We're gobsmacked that a politician with aspirations of running the country could possibly think it's not racist to launch sweeping accusations against one race, based purely on the sound of surnames.

That's about as logical as assuming Mr Little's surname applies to any of his personal traits or physical attributes. God help Rachel Smalley if that's the case.

In line with current Labour Party logic – which has deduced that a lot of people buying houses in Auckland have Chinese sounding names, therefore must be Chinese, therefore that specific dastardly race is wholly responsible for a rampant housing market – RR has continued that line of thinking to foretell more Labour Party revelations:

1. Those of you named Jack are all pirates. Ditto, anyone with a wooden leg, one eye,
or a parrot.

2. Anyone driving a French car must be supportive of nuclear testing in the Pacific and therefore a spy. You are all responsible for the bombing of the Rainbow Warrior and no, we don't know where to find your lost Zodiac.

3. Anyone not a vegetarian is therefore a meat eater. Humans have flesh, therefore all meat eaters are cannibals.

4. People named 'Gay” are poking fun at homosexuals and therefore you are all bullies.

5. All those called Patel must by law, own the corner dairy.

And a note to those who jump to conclusions under Andrew Little's Process of Assumptions, think this column supports excessive foreign investment, think again.

We're not condoning the wholesale despatch of prime land to offshore owners. It's time the brakes went on this reckless sell off. We are merely questioning the bizarre and racist stereotyping used to reach conclusions.

Besides, I wouldn't rile the Chinese, if I were Mr Little... They all know kung fu.

Parting thought
If a builder inspects a house before a person of Asian descent buys it, does that make him a Chinese Checker?