Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

We get the feeling from you good folk out there in Readerland that you're thoroughly sick and tired of the election campaigning and just want it over with.

Some candidates probably feel the same.

So this week, we won't focus too much on the elections. This column will target instead on the lighter side of life – kidnapping, disease and insane Australians.

Earlier this week I was chatting to a lovely Chinese couple, asking for dilections on the Strand. They were admiring our histolic blick work at No.1, when Mrs Chinese exclaimed, 'I see you have rocal erections on now,” to which I replied, 'it's probably just my cellphone in my pocket.”

It all became clear when they talked about the many ugry candidate signboards cruttering up the city streets. I couldn't aglee more.

Skullduggery

There've been some interesting issues, claims, counter-claims and even veiled threats. But Tauranga's got nothing quite as dramatic as the story unfolding in a small town in Peru, where opponents of the mayor claim to have dug up the bones of his father and won't give the skull back unless he pulls out of the election.

The remains of Juan Vizcarra (died 1978) were apparently exhumed by thieves, spread around the San Cristobel graveyard and the skull taken hostage. The son, mayor Rogelio Vizcarra, is reported to have received a text offer of his father's skull return, if he drops out of the election race.

It gives a whole new meaning to political skulduggery.

Also on the election theme, this piece of advice, and similar versions, arrived from my mate Wally and several other miscreants with too much time on their hands:

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim:
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called 'Gonorrhea Lectim'. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible affliction.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behaviour involving putting your cranium up your rectum.

Many victims are now starting to realize they contracted it last time they voted and it takes three years to show how destructive this sickness can be.
It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on to the market called Votemout. It's pronounced "Vote-em-out".

You take the first dose in 2010 and don't engage in such behaviour again; otherwise, you may have to repeat in 2013 if the nominated symptoms persist.

Okay that's enough election tripe. Remember to vote; if your envelope's not in the post by Wednesday its probably too late. Check out the candidates in recent editions of the Sun and deal with it this weekend.

Meanwhile, from the RR Mental Health Department, comes this touching story.

On October 7, Australians will be asked to reach out to anyone doing it tough and ask 'Are you OK?”

This national initiative aims to improve mental health, reduce isolation and prevent suicide. Nine out of every 10 people with a mental illness surveyed by SANE Australia, the national mental health charity, consider social relationships important in helping to manage the effects of their illness and maintain good mental health.

The message arrived this week from my old friend Robyn, who I hadn't heard from in years. I replied, commenting, 'I see you're in Sane now?” but haven't heard back.

Anyway, RR understands this Aussie 'Are You Ok?” query follows the previous mental health question, 'Where The Bloody Hell Are You?” which seemed reasonable enough when asked by Lara Bingle in a bikini on a sparkling beach. It took on different connotations for drunk Aussies at 1.30am, greeted by the same question on their cellphones from a frumpy mother of five, back home with a rolling pin in hand.

The 'Are You OK?” phrase is likely to join other famous Australian literary masterpieces including:

'A dingo stole my baby.”

'You know you're soaking in it.”

'That's not a knife. THIS is a knife.”

'Throw another shrimp on the barbie.”

And that eternally romantic foreplay phrase whispered in bedrooms across the great continent:

'Are you awake?”