Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

This week Rogers Rabbits becomes Auntie Roger, agony aunt. Auntie Roger invites you, the reader, to vent, to share all those festering big issues that have been bothering us, that have impacted on us, on the city and the nation.

And in return Auntie Roger brings wisdom and circumspection. Auntie Roger won't have questions without answers – we don't have problems without solutions.

Dear Auntie Roger,

For years I've been the star attraction of Tauranga, sitting on my wall at Memorial Park. Now those bronzed and beautiful new statues on The Strand have stolen my limelight. The place has gone to the dogs. What do I have to do, to regain my former glory? How many times do I have to fall off the wall, and despite all the kings' horses and all the kings' men, get put together again? This job isn't all it's cracked up to be. - Humpty

Dear Humpty. You're behaving like an egg, bro. The dogs will have their day. Pull yourself together man.

Dear Auntie Roger, I've always been The Flag, and believe me, the job has had its ups and downs. Now, for no good reason, they want to replace me. I've flown in good times and bad, in any weather and every continent around the globe. An unwavering representative of the nation, and apart from an occasional demarcation issue with cuzzie Tino, I've been your exclusive emblem, fluttering loyally over this country without so much as a complaint. - The Flag

Dear Flag, I wouldn't worry too much at this stage. Have you seen the calibre of the other wannabes? Not much competition there yet, my fluttering friend.

Dear Auntie Roger, I am sick of hearing this tired old cliché, ‘the bucket list'. It's so worn out, it's not funny or even slightly clever. Never was. It rates a Groan Factor of 10. How do we rid our vocabulary of it? - Well Overit

Dear Well Overit, agreed, it goes beyond the pail. Good luck there. Whatever happened to Life Goals, or Hopes and Ambitions? Regardless, the origins of ‘kick the bucket' are pretty dark. It is thought to refer to someone hanging themselves by standing on a bucket and kicking it out from underneath; or a connection with pig slaughtering. Either way, a nasty piece of terminal terminology. Next person who says it, give them a high five in the face with a chair.

Dear Auntie Roger, I like shooting wild animals, never had any complaints before. How was I supposed to know Cecil the Lion was so well connected?
- Robert the Dentist.

Dear Robert, You need a high five in the face with a chair.

Dear Auntie Roger, I see another lowlife has fired at the cops and stolen a police car. Some of my family got tangled up in the ensuing dramas in the Central North Island. Surely in this age of modern technology there's a way the police can disable their vehicles, so in the (seems frequent) event of it falling into the wrong hands, they can be stopped before they leave town?- Perplexed

Dear Perplexed. We agree. These days we have drones, radio control systems and hidden kill switches that you'd think could be incorporated into every emergency vehicle to stop the bad guys getting into them, let alone driving off. It's no longer good enough to leave the keys under the doormat or the pot plant, whether it's the keys to a vehicle or premises. We've seen experimental cars that drive themselves, surely the ideal answer for the cops would be a car that, once the bad guys have jumped inside, it can be controlled to lock the doors and gas the occupants; or drive itself to the nearest police station; or perhaps off a ravine into a deep river.

Dear Auntie Roger, I watched the Sunday theatre movie this week, ‘How To Murder Your Wife'. While it was entertaining and quite funny, in a quirky, New Zealand sort of way, I was left dismayed that a true New Zealand murder case could be treated as a comedy. The wife, before being strangled and dismembered, was portrayed as a vindictive and deserving victim.

I understand there's a place for black comedy and parody, but this was treated as Mr Bean meets Charles Manson. This is a true story, do others not find it disturbing? - Disturbed

Dear Disturbed, you're not the only ones left questioning the tasteless nature of this. Why is apparently okay to make light of a murder, regardless of the odd circumstances or the age or attitude of the victim and perpetrator? How has that left the friends, family and those connected with the case feeling?

All hell would break loose if a similar treatment was dished out to any other of the infamous New Zealand murders such as the Crewe case, Kirsa Jensen or the Aramoana massacre. Imagine the movie on the Bains: ‘How to Murder Almost An Entire Family.' Would that be so funny? Definitely crossed a line in our book.

Dear Auntie Roger, Can you please clear up the sham that is Wharf Street. No-one can point me to the wharf. There is no wharf, so anyone going to Wharf Street in the hope of seeing a wharf will be WHARFully disappointed. So shouldn't it be Wharfless Street? That is a name that is pierless. Council tells me it is now a restaurant precinct so shouldn't be Restaurant Precinct Street. And there are so many new lights it could also be Christmas Tree Street. - Confused

Dear Confused, Go take a running jump off one of the above mentioned.

Dear Aunty Roger, Can you explain why some of nature's biggest acts are by-passing the population hub of the Bay of Plenty which, of course, is Tauranga? Mt Maunganui has been visited by a frolicking adult southern right whale a few weeks ago. Then this week the Mount hosted orcas. Tauranga gets... Foster and Allan, opposition spokespeople and a disoriented seal on Chapel Street in the dark. How can Tauranga get the big drawcards and at peak viewing during the weekend please.
- Cheated

Dear Cheated, You got a ripping hailstorm in 2012 and a cockroach plague in the ‘90s, what more do you want?

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brian@thesun.co.nz