Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

This week's breaking news, that evidence of water is confirmed on Mars, can mean only one thing: The Martians must be taxed.

Because based on current Earth logic, the Martians are causing global warming.

This is the first time we've seen evidence of water on the red planet. They believe salty water is now present on the surface. Earlier observations had not found evidence.

Therefore the sea level on Mars must be rising.

Therefore it must be caused by something the Martians are doing, maybe CO2 emissions, maybe driving their fossil fuel-wasting flying saucers excessively, or Martian
cows passing wind... who knows?

The fact remains, according to theories being bandied around this planet, the answer is tax the hapless inhabitants; whether they caused it or not.

The good news is with the existence of water, there's also a chance of wine and beer. So there really could be Mars Bars.

Water on Mars raises all sorts of vexing questions: Will the RMA apply, who has Riparian rights, does the Queen's Chain apply? And there's plenty of scope for claim under Maori Customary Rights.

Gaye's version

Speaking of other planets, I'm not sure which one Gaye Hemsley was on, when she came up with this:

'I've tried Mike Mellelieu's suggestion of singing ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to the tune of our National Anthem and yes, it does work. Now I would like readers to recite ‘Twinkle Twinkle' in high pedantic English taught to me by my cockney grandmother.

Scintillate Scintillate globule vivitic.
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific.
Loftily poised in ether capacious.
Strongly resembling that gem, carbonaceous.”

Thanks Gaye. We will try reciting that after several Martian-tinis.

U-turns

Funny how the same people who complain 'the government doesn't listen to the people” are the same ones complaining about 'U-turns” in policy... Which, from what can see, have happened because the government has listened to the people. Not looking at anyone in particular, but let's start with Corin Dann.

Last week you'll recall this column solved a century-old dilemma, about the missing star
in our national anthem.

Ray Fowke's theory, that the line in the anthem should be 'Guard Pacific's truple star” has drawn plenty of feedback to RR headquarters.

Does anyone else recall singing 'truple” instead of 'triple”?

Drop us a line if you do, Ray and I will be pleased to hear from you.

Brewery stars

The final word on the star saga comes from Graham Anderson, who insists this version of the anthem story is the irrefutable truth:

'Thomas Bracken wrote ‘Ode to Speights' and the symbol on the bottles of Gold Medal Ale consists of three stars. What the national anthem is saying is, please God, protect the great old pillar of Otago society, which is Speight's Brewery.”

Of course Speight's is a pillar of Otago Society – more the ruination. But according to a discerning drinker in the Sun office, it's a national scourge now – Lion by any other name – it's like myxomatosis Roger Rabbits, its available to less than discerning drinkers everywhere.

And while on the subject of beer...

Free beer

Free beer is always a good way to start the week.

Free beer arrived at the Sun recently, thanks to the Brewers Guild of NZ, who wisely decided we needed to sample some of their excellent brews and find out more about the top local nominations for the Beer Awards, I'm really surprised how few savvy marketing people have figured out that sending free stuff to the Sun is a really good idea.

Because we always write about the good products.

Get noticed

It's a great way to get your product or service noticed, and a good kick start for an advertising campaign in the region's leading Sun Media.

Anyway, back to free beer. Those couple of words murmured in the newsroom are guaranteed to get the instant attention of journalists.

They often don't take a lot of interest in anything else I've got to say, but drop those couple of magic words, and you instantly have a roomful of salivating newshounds ready to dedicate their bodies to the science of sampling.

I admire their commitment.

There's not much more to say about the beer, except it's damn good and we highly recommend it.

Parting shot

The trouble with the Australian detention centres (which contain a lot of NZers with previous convictions) is there isn't enough of them.

Parting thought

I decided this week to pay more attention to fitness.

So every morning I get up early, pull on track pants and watch the rugby.

brian@thesun.co.nz

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