Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

The big news this week is that a NZ version of Survivor is to be filmed; there are four candidates so far for the city mayoral election; and a parasite lice has been named after Darth Vader.

I'm not yet sure how these three stories work together, but let's just barge right in and see how it goes.

Any mention of elections and I can see – through amazing new technology installed on this newspaper page – that your eyes are rolled and yawns are stifled.

Because most people would rather listen to re-runs of Dan Corbett's weather forecasts than pay any attention to wannabe mayoral candidates. But bear with me, let's see if we can inject a bit more drama, fun and excitement into the local elections.

So instead of holding an election, why don't we have an elimination?

We have the perfect location. Put all the mayoral candidates into a Survivor programme…where else, but.. Mayor Island! (The councillor candidates will have their eliminations on the Aldermans, of course.)

Imagine the interactions if we abandoned Murray Guy, John Robson, Graeme Purches, Kelvin Clout – and for a wildcard, The Darth Vader parasite lice – on Tuhua for three months, with a camera crew, a few loin cloths, the mayoral throne and a crate of baked beans.

‘Mayor Island Survivor' will become a top-rating television reality show, as they vie to win the Mayor Seat by ousting each other from the island.



Low cunning

'The ultimate test of endurance, strength and strategy” is how TV2 describe their upcoming ‘Survivor' series.

Our Mayor Island Survivor will more likely be a test of low cunning, wheeling and dealing and quite a lot of talk – especially when it emerges that Mr Purches (the only one with a can opener) wants to form a trust to divvy the baked beans; Mr Robson wants to market them as a value-added commodity to passing boats; Mr Guy wants more accountability and a bus stop; and Mr Clout says that as standing deputy mayor, he should really be in charge of the can opener.

Plants strike back

Meanwhile, this summer we're coming under siege from the undergrowth. A bunch of invasive plants have conspired to attack, sort of like ‘The Day of the Triffids' but with nicer flowers.

The first attack was an aerial assault on the Sun Media building, when a renegade pohutukawa decided to suicide bomb our roof.

Taking little heed of the fact No.1 The Strand is a protected heritage building, the stampeding tree crashed down the bank from the Police station and landed on the roof, breaking our fence... which resulted in an interesting phone conversation with the council:

Hello, I'm calling to report a council tree has fallen on our building.

Where's the building?

No.1 The Strand.

Is the tree still there?

We felt like saying: ‘No, it got up and walked away with a limp'.

We explained patiently that it was not a hit-and-run, it was quite a big tree and it probably would require a chainsaw.

The Tree Branch of the council swung into action and the nice arborist chaps had it cleared away in no time. But the threat is not over, you can see the rest of them amassing on the skyline, discussing tactics and deciding who is going to charge next.

The next attack from the militant plants is the dreaded Yellow Bristle Grass.

We've been fearing an uprising from this, now its reality. It's more of a problem in the Waikato and seems to be spread by stock grazing infested roadsides. It may decide the grass is greener over the Kaimais, and launch an assault in the Bay. Stay vigilant, good citizens.

Already in the bay, however, is the evil Arrowhead, the aquatic invader found in clumps in Bethlehem. Hearing that pastry things in the warmer oven are very good at the local bakery, Arrowhead decided, of all the places in the world to establish a colony, that Bethlehem was it. If you see it, tell Andy. While you're there, pick me up a Bavarian Wrap.

Darth doppelganger

Finally, today we bring you the dirt on the new species of chewing lice, mentioned earlier, to be liberated on Mayor Island along with the mayoral candidates.

It has been named after Darth Vader, the villain from ‘Star Wars', because they both have the same looking head.

Darth Vader is the largest genus of chewing lice found on parasitizing perching birds. I'm not sure why you need to be told that, but it may make useful dinner conversation some time.

Dinner conversation

The discovery of Darth Vader was revealed in the journal ‘Parasite'. I bet that publication is a laugh a minute. Imagine being stuck at a dinner party next to the editor of ‘Parasite'.

So, will the rest of ‘Star Wars' have greeblies named after them? Or any other movie and literature characters? What about real pest persons, when can we learn more about the Kardashian Booty Leech or the Trump Tapeworm?

Send us your suggestions for good names of parasitic creatures, the best will win prizes, including a signed portrait of your favourite specimen.

We suspect the scientific world is looking for a parasite to name after Dotcom. They just haven't found one bizarre enough yet.

Brian@thesun.co.nz
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