Dive Right In with Gwyn Brown from Tauranga Dive

Rogers Rabbits' column this week failed to make it past the Sun's censorship committee and he has been banished from page 2 until such time as the column is amended to comply with standards of common decency and good taste; or an acceptable alternative column is supplied. Fortunately, deputy rabbitter
Gwyn Brown has stepped into the breach with this piece.

Last night at the supermarket the wife and I bought a pizza, one of those pre-made things. I know, I know, but we both work and sometimes it's a treat to just get home and put something in the oven that we haven't had to prepare.

Anyway, as I was waiting, maybe a little salivating, I noticed it had instructions on the box on how to cook it. Hmmm…well okay, I guess not everyone is a gourmet chef like myself.

The first line said – actually I'm only going to give you the first line, as anything after that is immaterial – ‘Take the pizza out of the fridge'.

Seriously? The obvious problem with this line is you can't read it unless you have already taken the pizza out of the fridge, or worse, you are standing in the fridge, quite likely bent into some kind of contortionist position. Maybe it was written for ex-magician's assistants?

Have we become so stupid as a population that having to remove a pizza out of the fridge before you cook it has to be explained as part of a cooking instruction?

You know, I don't think that's the real problem here. The real problem, I think, is manufacturers have to provide instructions for the use of their products because if they don't and someone gets injured using it, they get sued.

For example, let's just imagine how this instruction came to be included. Cue the wavy lines, a courtroom setting and some elevator music.

‘Excuse me Your Honour, my client was unable to eat the pizza because he couldn't get into the refrigerator to read the first cooking instruction line and as he couldn't get his usual ex-magician's assistant that evening to read it to him he was unable to have dinner that night, which meant he was hungry and so he had to rob the local dairy. No choice Your Honour, and that's why we are suing the manufacturer.'

Don't laugh, this is a very real scenario in the good old U. S. of A.

I imagine that's why the line is on the pizza box. Who knows, it may be on all pizza boxes.

Or it may be a case of the union for ex-magician's assistants trying to drum up work?
Maybe they moonlight as fridge-reading contortionists? They must have a torch as well, as we all know the light only works when the door is open.

I'm inclined to believe it comes down to greed, opportunity, laziness…take your pick.
What about the caution warnings on lawnmowers. The one that says not to put your hands under it while it's going. Or on medication bottles – incorrect use of this product can cause death. Just like the cigarette packets. Although if you smoke, clearly you have already proven you are stupid. You may be a physicist, or even an ex-magician's assistant, but you're still stupid for smoking.

Anyway, yes, money and greed. That's what these labels are all about. People who injure themselves through their own stupidity, then realise through a flash of brilliance – they are still stupid, it's just a temporary brilliant thought – that they can sue the manufacturer and live the easy life. And, of course, some lawyers will work for a percentage of any case win. At least in the States they will.

I'm currently spending my free time investigating ways to injure myself by the incorrect use of a large wooden box and a hand saw, that aren't already listed under the manufacturer's opinion/instructions, of course. Now if I could only find an ex-magician's assistant I might just be on my way to a wealthy lifestyle.