Diesel Rogers Dining with Diesel www.sunlive.co.nz

We have the results from the first round of the
Te Puna Food Bowl. Ducks 1, Cat 0 (see full match report below). Black Cat 1, Blackbirds 0, Wild Roosters 0, the Mad German 6.

Ralph the Cat, a team of one, took on the Ducks last weekend, resulting in huge damage to Ralph's over-inflated ego.
The furry black degenerate got his come-uppance when in pre-match trials he proved far too cocky. The results will be interesting when he takes on the Roosters.

Pecking order
It is not for me to judge a cat, (though I will anyway), but this feline simply doesn't know his place in the pecking order of life. The first sign of trouble appeared when the ducks rocked in from a hard day on the mudflats and started getting into his food.
Now the stupid animal has turned a blind eye to this for months, so why he waited so long to take action is way beyond my humble understanding.
If he had tackled this situation months ago, he may have stood a chance.
But Sir Francis and his missus have been helping themselves to Ralph's tucker for several months and they have grown from quite small to the size of sumo wrestlers.
Sadly, Ralph is not the largest cat. In fact I have seen rats with more fat on them – and more personality.
Rush to the head
Anyway, during the twilight hours he gets a rush of testosterone to the head and decides it's time he became the Great White Hunter he yearns to be. That's all well and good, but he is black and weighs about 150 grams, while the ducks in question have been well nourished on cat food over spring, weigh about 10kg each and are muscle-bound black belts.
So Ralph bounds outside, grabs the drake around the neck, and then proceeds to get pummelled quicker than an English five-eight confronted by a couple of All Black forwards. There's a lot of fur flying around, but few feathers.
Ralph is given a round house by the drake, and then pecked to within an inch of his life by the hen. He was saved from eradication only by my humane, gentle nature. After being rudely awoken from my afternoon nap by all the commotion, I charged outside and announced in my dulcet Labrador tones, ‘RRRRRRRRRRRRRUF'.
That was enough to send the ducks flying and save Ralph's butt. Of course being the sore loser that he is, all I got for a thank-you was a slap around the sniffing gear.
Anyway Ralph the not-so-great hunter retreated to the backyard to compose himself. There he discovered a blackbird chick which had fallen out of its nest and become stuck in a drainpipe. He waited two hours before it foolishly stuck its head out.
Whump! Ralf finally scores. Talk about picking on something his own size – this hapless bird was even smaller than him. I should have left him to the ducks.
As everyone knows, sleeping is my second favourite thing to do in life. After a hard day of eating I checked out the new range of beds at Animal Antics in Hewlett's Road and I have to tell you, if I could get a double one, I would even share it with Ady.
If you want to keep your four-legged pet happy, check these out, and tell them at Animal Antics you got the word from me.

Philly cheese steak casserole
Ingredients
200g wide egg noodles
750g sirloin steak
½ tsp pepper
2 medium onions, chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
2 cups beef broth
2 Tbsp flour
½ cup cream
1 Tbsp Dijon mustard
1 cup grated cheese

Method
Preheat oven to 180C. Spray a glass baking dish with cooking spray. Cook and drain noodles, according to packet instructions.
Remove any fat from the beef and cut into 2cm pieces. Season with the pepper. Heat a non-stick skillet over medium heat. Cook beef three to four minutes, stirring occasionally, until beef is lightly brown.
Stir in onions and bell pepper, cook two minutes, stirring occasionally. Spoon into baking dish. In a medium bowl, beat broth and flour with a wire whisk until smooth. Add to skillet and heat to boiling.
Cook, stirring constantly, until mixture thickens. Remove from heat and stir in the half and half and the mustard.
Spoon over beef mixture. Stir in cooked noodles. Cover and bake for 40 minutes.
Sprinkle with cheese then bake uncovered 10 minutes longer or until cheese is melted and casserole is bubbly.
Alrighty my good people, the Headmaster has dealt to the Poms. Man, that two legger SBW has a body like mine. So now it's on to the haggis eaters. Good luck lads.