Dive Right In with Gwyn Brown from Tauranga Dive

Every piece of dive equipment is essential. Not as essential as keeping the wife happy, or distracted while you buy new dive gear of course, but essential nonetheless.

And people, rightly so, spend a lot of time choosing the right mask. As with a new pair of shoes ladies, you should always start with what looks flashy. Manufacturers know this, which is why in today's diving world there are so many colours to choose from; it's almost like getting caught in some sort of Italian shoe-rainbow trap. Black is still the new black though.

Lots of customers ask me what is our best mask. I always say the same thing. If it fits you, it's our best mask. Sometimes it will be at the cheaper end of the scale, which is a bonus. Sometimes not, which sucks to be you. It all comes down to the shape of your face. Because if it leaks, everyone is going to have a bad day. Not sharks though, they never have a bad day. Especially if you can't see them coming because your mask leaks.

If you are unfortunate enough to have a weasel-shaped face, which is smallish, with a larger than average nose, and shifty eyes – to be fair, eye shape or shiftiness doesn't really affect your mask selection, only my sense of humor – then for you I usually go straight for the Binford MSCV276-a. It's a more expensive mask, we don't carry too many of them for that reason, but let's face it, everyone likes to see the more weasel-like among us get some kind of payback. I like to think of myself as a masked sales superhero, getting one back for the greater good of the common folk.

I once met a guy who could remember everyone's names. When I asked how he did it, he said he likened their faces to vegetables or fruit. I tried it out with great success, so I stick to a simple system that I will share with you so you can see a few of the tricks we do here at Tauranga Dive.

A guy came in the other day, he was a lawyer. I can almost feel the reader tension increasing; the hairs on your collective necks are all sticking up in synchronisation. Is he going to stick the lawyer with the most expensive mask? Is he going to sell him one that will leak at 10 metres rendering him a perfect target for a hungry shark, or another lawyer, often seen swimming with sharks?

Any-who, Mr lawyer/customer had a largish head, with a comb-over, and was wearing a bright green checked shirt; you know, the kind you just can't buy at Farmers or Kmart. This was a Barkers shirt, or Meccano. Places you and I don't go in, or aren't allowed in. We just stare at them longingly across the aisle at Bayfair.

There are many reasons we don't go into these places. They are usually deserted so we just know a salesman will pounce on us. Not me, personally I don't like pouncing as a sales technique. The main one though is probably our wives, who will call us dicks for even thinking a shop like that will be able to make any improvement on our middle-age spreads.

Anyway, back to our lawyer/shark/customer. I named him Mr Watermelonhead, which helped me to remember his real name, Gavin. He had his wife Helen with him.

Gavin (see, it works) wanted a new mask. 'Right,” said I. 'Free-diving or Scuba?”

'What's the difference inquired the up until then smallish-and-quiet-as-a-mouse-shaped Helen, who I decided I would think of as a mouse. Okay, okay, not a vegetable I know but Helen had large ears and a small head, and I just couldn't help myself. And as I couldn't find an imaginary vegetable to make it work, I just went with mouse; it seemed to fit.

'Well Helen, free diving masks are smaller, lower volume of air so you don't waste as much equalising the pressure, especially when you only have the air in your lungs.” (Boy, do I know masks or do I know masks!) Helen looked confused, but Gavin got it, he was smart, as a lawyer in fact. 'I need a Scuba mask,” he said. 'And I want the best one you have, because I'm a lawyer.” (That's how I knew he really was a lawyer).

Right, the lawyers' masks are over this side of the shop. Gavin didn't get the joke, but Ms Mouse did, I could have sworn she twittered. Dam if the woman didn't have a real sharp set of choppers on her as well. I kept thinking to myself I hope the zombie apocalypse doesn't arrive in the next five minutes, or Helen will be a real handful to fend off.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I sold him the Binford MSCV276-b, a much more roundish mask, and very expensive. (I know, I know, clap and cheer if you must).

So Gavin and Helen, Ms Mouse and Mr Watermelon, left the store happy as. They had brought a mask fitting to their standing in the community and I had struck back on behalf of all the downtrodden wannabe ex-window shopping Meccano/Barkers working class men.

And that ladies and gentleman is one of the many tricks of the trade here at Tauranga Dive!