Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Tired of your current job? Need a change of pace? Looking to climb the ladder of vocational success?

Now is a good time to cast around for a new profession, because there are plenty of vacancies arising for some prime positions.

Helen Clark is busy nailing her new job at the UN. Which means her old job could soon be up for grabs.

You've just missed out on the Prime Ministership of Britain, after David Cameron resigned. Theresa May just beat you to it. Never mind, the USA's top job is up for grabs and the current applicants seem to fall short on credibility, so that could be a sure thing for anyone with a few brains and a tidy hairpiece.

Professional athlete: The entire Russian Olympic team are sacked, so surely there must be opportunity opening there. I will Putin a good word for you.

Head Banana Ripener: If you have a bent for the business, this could be the job for you. I spotted this on TradeMe this week. Any employment in the fruit business must have a ripe future. If you could land a plum job like this, working with a great bunch, climb the tree of success and even branch out to enjoy the fruits of your labour…who knows, you could end up working for Apple. I heard on the grapevine that the Head Banana Ripener job is appealing… or is the Banana Opener's job more appealing?

What a mayor

TECT elections are happening right now, but you may have left your run a bit late. There's always council elections later in the year. You could be a city or Western Bay of Plenty councillor… or even the Mayor! I'm not pulling your chain, both the mayoralties in this region are coming vacant and applications are open now.

Emperor of Japan would be a lucrative number if you could land it. The current bloke, Emperor Akihito, is making noises about abdicating in the next few years. So if the Banana Business doesn't pan out, this could be your next best option.

Pun Writer: The position at Sun Media is likely to become vacant, based on the punishing performance on this page.

Insurance truths

Meanwhile, Pat Dillon points to recent TV advertisements, and says the insurance industry reveals interesting truths about itself and what they think of us.

1) That life insurance man that catches multiple (dead, rigormortis) fish. Promises much but won't pay out if you die within two years. You get some premiums back only.

2) Penguins steal the kid's bike? In reality, 99 per cent people wouldn't get a payout because the low value of kid's bike is below their excess.

3) Aliens attack? Nope, policies doesn't cover war/invasion.

4) How about the well-spoken ram on life insurance? This policy would never pay out as the lambs all die well before the insured ram!

Don't you hate those adverts?”

Yes, Pat, great observations.

In fact we ran these issues past our reliable sources in the industry, who point out further disturbing facts:

'The man fishing arranges funeral cover but generally they pay out once cover accepted. Not only does he catch dead fish but when he leaves home he has only a boat reel on his rod, yet when he gets to the wharf it has turned into a surf casting reel.

The funeral cover is for his wife's interfering friend who hasn't had any acting parts since the 1970s.

'Those pesky penguins – it won't be long until insurance companies exclude losses, thefts and malicious damage by penguins. They, of course don't have the problem in the Northern Hemisphere – their problem is with polar bears!

And yes, Pat, most kid's bikes would fall under the excess.

'War, Invasion, Act of Foreign Enemies and Terrorism are exclusions. We have a greater threat from the Pokemon app!”

Property market lunacy

Here's the answer to rising property prices: Buy land on the Moon.

The Rabbit discovered this amazing deal: A claim to an acre of land on the Moon, with a hard copy certificate of title. Here's the claim...

The United Nations Outer Space Treaty of 1967 states that no government or nation can own extraterrestrial property – or that on other planets.

However, it neglected to mention that individuals and corporations could not own it. In November 1980, upon spotting this supposed loophole, Dr Dennis M. Hope made a Declaration of Ownership of the seven other planets in our solar system along with all the moons and Pluto.

He filed it with the United Nations and the American and Russian governments.

Then he established ‘The Lunar Embassy' to sell claims to the land.

Since then it has grown with millions of owners of extra-terrestrial real estate claims from 176 countries, including many famous people and celebrities. Sounds like a bargain!

From the sideline

John Mathieson has a report from Saturday morning rugby:

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his nine-year-old Bay Juniors players aside and asked: 'Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”

'Yes, coach,” replied the little boy.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The boy nodded.

'So,” the coach continued: 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the ref, or call him an a**hole. Do you understand all that?”

Again, the little boy nodded.

The coach continued: 'And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a s***head, is it?”

'No, coach.”

'Good,” said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

brian@thesun.co.nz

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